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River Sometimes I feel like Eliza and I share the same brain, because I too have had one line of a song running through my head lately. I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad Not the rest of it - well, not of that line, anyway. I haven't lost anyone lately - but I do often wish I had a river I could skate away on. I wish I could just get away from some stuff. I wish some stuff would just go away on its own. I wish Greg and I could just skip past some stuff, just get beyond it. I wish. I'm always wishing. I don't know how to talk about these things here. Once there was a time when I just put fingers to keys and everything came pouring out - too much, often, but maybe that was better than nothing. I don't know how to talk about these things here and I don't know how to write about anything else while they're going on. I've got an entry written about JournalCon - well, mostly written anyway - and it lingers in Word, waiting for me to finish it and post pictures. And I have entries about other things in my head. I write entries in my head almost every day and do not post them. I do not know how to post them. Words come out in person, with some people, but not as many as I would like. There are a few people who know all and some people who know some but the day to day stuff just stays bottled up in my head, no matter who I'm with or where I am. I don't know how to talk about this here. Any of this. And so I read email and don't respond; I read posts and don't respond; I hear messages and I don't respond. I don't know how to respond anymore, I think. How can I explain any of this to you when I can't even explain it to myself? I am sick today. I have a 100.8 degree fever and chills and a sore throat, probably contracted somewhere in Austin or possibly on the plane. I thought I just lost my voice at the bar but it must be more than that. When I am sick I am more vulnerable than usual. This is one of those times. |
