Winter of my Discontent
25 February 2003

Hi there. It was brought to my attention today that perhaps people are worrying, or missing this space, or both. I still don't have a lot to say - or feel that I want to say - but there are some things I can tell you. A lot of this is cut and pasted from an email, so girls, you've heard this before. Mostly.

I haven't been reading any journals on a regular basis, or email, or answering the phone. I haven't been writing in my journal because (among other reasons) I don't want it to turn into a political website (although I plan to begin a blog as soon as I can get freaking Blogger to load on the freaking domain); I don't want it to turn into a log of my personal fears; I don't want it to turn into somewhere where I lash out; I don't want it to turn into a lovefest for Senator Byrd; I don't want unsolicited advice from people. I only have political conversations with Greg and even then I have to stop talking after a little while, because it's just too much, and because I start to feel panicky.

No, I'm really not doing well.

I'm not really discussing this (and this is only part of it, only a small part) with most people; only a couple people really know what's going on. Some people (in the broad spectrum of friends and family), I'm not talking to because they pushed me, and I don't like to be pushed. Some people I'm not
talking to because I have phone and email aversion. Some people I'm not talking to because, frankly, they don't understand what's going on, or they can't handle it, or they want to fix it for me, and no one can do that. And I'm having a really hard time talking to anyone who's happy and jolly on a constant basis, because I don't understand how anyone can be happy and jolly right now, in this world. (This is, perhaps, the most unfair of my reasons - but there it is.)

In a nutshell? I'm very, very depressed - and I'm terrified, on a daily basis - and because of this, lots of things are suffering. School. Work. Relationships. My enjoyment of my life. My personal discretionary budget line, as I try to ease the depression by purchasing stuff like 1950's mixers and new boots. Somehow, not my weight - that remains steady even as the Pringles become my best friend. I am considering many remedies for all these things - pills, therapy, acupuncture - and don't know what will work or what will happen.

All of this is compounded by this relentless winter, this cold and ice and snow that will just not go away. I long for a bungalow or something. Somewhere warm. (E, that was for you!)

I can, at least, give you an update on what's going on. Greg and I just bought plane tickets for a two-week trip to Ireland in May (let's not talk about the panic that purchase brought on), so if you have any personal recommendations I'd love to hear them. We'll be spending 3-4 days in Dublin and then striking out for parts as yet unknown, maybe the Beara Peninsula via the eastern and southern coast. I graduate (officially) from university on Friday, May 16 at 10AM. I'm still attending (and mostly enjoying) my Romanticism and History grad class. I'm newly considering getting my secondary education teaching certification in English. I'm seeing Tick, Tick Boom next Thursday with my brother, who's finally got a decent living situation if he doesn't have a job. I'm TiVoing Days of Our Lives every day, darn you Eliza (is it me, or did Jack used to be a MUCH better actor? and what is up with Jennifer's two tone hair?). I'm reading a lot of romance novels (Julia Quinn, I love you and your sassy characters) and other fluff. I got new glasses. I roasted a chicken. We discovered Cheese and Onion Pringles and lo, they are good. I scanned wedding pictures to post someday.

And that, my dears, is that.

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