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Surprise, It Hurts At the end of the theatre program today, I walked into the lobby to find two of the current show choir staff members. We had a nice conversation (I like them both very much) and at some point I realized that they had been discussing some sort of remembrance or gift for the show choir music director, who's departing after six or so years of service. The conversation made its way to an end and I walked back across the parking lot for a meeting. Halfway to the trailers the anger hit, and the hurt was soon to follow. Usually when a staff member leaves the show choir, it's at the end of a season. The kids have known for a little while. The staff member says goodbye properly. When Jimmy resigned his manager position at the end of last season, we presented him with a trophy and elaborate thanks (both from the stage the night of the final concert, and backstage that night with the kids). I left the show choir at the beginning of this season. See, in the absence of a choreographer off and on for almost a year, and then again for a full summer, my role with the group had morphed from administrative to creative - a morphing I fully embraced, for taking attendance had gotten old about a year before that. When a new choreographer signed on in the middle of the summer, it became quietly clear that there was no longer really a place for me. Not doing what I had been doing, anyway, or anything close to it. I could go back to handing out forms and doing fundraisers, as long as I agreed to basically give up any say I had in any creative area with the group. I discussed this first with Phil, who agreed that I was right. He pointed out many times that he didn't want me to leave - if for no other reason, it guaranteed that two busy friends saw each other weekly - but that I was right. There was no longer a creative position for me in the group - my position, such as it had become, had been summarily eliminated even if no one had bothered to say anything to me yet. I talked to Ed about it after that, and he too agreed. He asked me if I wanted to return to a solely admin role. I said no, and decided to leave. With school returning in full swing and given the choice between studying and taking attendance, I chose taking attendance. This was on a Saturday. Rehearsals are traditionally on Sundays, but I couldn't come the next night. I told him I'd be in the next Sunday to tell the kids goodbye and explain my departure. The next night he went in and incorrectly told the kids I was taking a "leave of absence." He asked someone to take my place on the management staff and that was it. The group went on without me. I got swept up in school and didn't have time to think about it much. I have time to think about it now, and I'm angry, and I'm hurt. I worked my ass off for that group, doing the job of two people for a very long time, and not only did I not get to tell the kids myself I didn't even get a thank you for my time. Nothing. Honestly, after a day it was like I'd never been there. Because the kids believed (incorrectly) that I'd be coming back, they all continued on their way and eventually forgot. The staff restructured and moved on. Just close the hole and go on. Did I expect a big fanfare? No. Did I expect a thank you? Yes. Am I still waiting for it? What do you think? I'm finishing out the summer program this week, and on Friday night I'll go to the bon voyage concert and watch my assistants who are in the group and I'll try to sit in the audience and watch all of it without bitterness. But I'm not counting on it. Petty? I'm not sure. But I think that after everything I did, expecting the staff I worked my ass off for to at least verbally thank me for my years of service is not too much. If it is? Oh well. It's been a rough summer - hell, it's been a rough couple of years with this organization, and this realization is really the topper. |